| answer deleted |
Soooo after a long night of drinking Jameson and having Guinness as a chaser, my friend convinced me to reactivate my OKC profile. She recently met a man through the site and she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t on a date every night with a man that I was meeting online. Point taken, so I reluctantly reactivated my account. I will share more about some of the interesting shenanigans of my resurrected online dating life in next few days. But here’s one encounter that is very typical of my encounter with men online.
Here’s the set up. One of the questions you have to answer on your profile is “What are the 6 things you can’t live without?”
My answer was:
People/things that make me smile and laugh
Since this encounter and a message from a 60 year old man who wrote me, “having any good sex lately dear?” I have deleted this answer from my profile completely.
Man:”great sex”???? hmmmmm……
Me: Out of the entire profile that’s the only thing that’s worth mentioning? ; ) Bad sex is worse than no sex. So yes if I could have great sex for the rest of my life I would love that!
Man: Hahahaha! Well, you wouldnt buy a new car without taking it for a test drive first…. Right? Try me out. I come with a fantastic 30-day full return policy.
Me:Touché! However as soon as the car is driven off the lot, it starts to depreciate on it’s value. You’re willing to take that chance? And I would love you to define “full return policy”…… ; )
Man: Not this model. Im like a collectors addition. Value increases with age. And you….. I can tell by the way you have that bottle in your mouth (in Berlin) that’ll you’ll be a keeper. Define? If at any point during the 30-day full trial you want to return….. no questions asked. But feel free to “use” me as much as you want in the time.
Me: Aston Marrtin or Jag? We don’t need to state the obvious that you clearly have one only thing in your mind, even on a lovely Sunday morning. Note to self: take down any sexually insinuating pictures……. That’s a good start for negotiation. But I would like to counter that offer with better T&C for myself. Like “satisfaction guaranteed”…….
Man: Meet and sleep with me, and I bet you’ll want to remove the entire profile all together!!!! Satisfaction IS guaranteed!!!!
Me:Unfortunately for both of us, I’ve written off casual sex as of 2013. I am looking for something more meaningful. Someone who’s willing to put in the effort to earn me….. Hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend. It’s looking gorgeous out!
Man: That is! But who said anything about casual? You have 30-days to convince me to stay! Or are you worried that Id only want you once for some reason?
Me:I could guarantee items below:
I am 1% of 1% (direct quote from someone)
I will make you laugh
Intellect is something I won’t lack
Other men will wonder how you got so lucky in every room we walk into…….
So let’s just say I’m not worried about ME in this equation ; )
Man: All that’s missing from that equation is BOTH of us getting “lucky” in every room of the apartment! How’s tomorrow night to try your cooking? You don’t need to prepare much…. Just a 10 minute shower. I love to eat!
Me: Lol…. Jesus Christ….. I am literally lost for words here. Doesn’t happen often. No subtlety! Just curious how’s the ROI on this strategy? This whole week is shot.
Man: Who cares how the ROI is….. as long as I get to have YOU!!!! Really this entire week? That’ll only give you 23 more days. When can i have you? We can do that shower together if it helps save time. Really…. whats the problem? We both already want to f**k each other already. If that keeps up, best ingredient for a relationship.
Me:How presumptuous of you? Are you French? ; ) Correction that only gives YOU 23 days. The problem is I’m not just looking for sex….
Man: and either am I. But…. I wont settle for every thing else if thats just not FANTASTIC! I dont need the 23 days. I already KNOW i want you. Question is….. Can you handle me? Only one way to find out…..
Me: Handle what? Your shenanigans? I concur. That’s debatable…..
Man: No……. but more so my 9” penis. It’s kind of addicting.
Me: Eh….(rolling my eyes. Cock size mentioning…so predictable)
Man: Find some time for it this week. If you can take it “all”, I might even marry you!
Me: Sorry. Not bailing on my plans for an OKC date with a guy who’s just looking for sex. “I might even marry you!”- clearly you’ve mistaken me for 30 something desperate NYC girl who’s dying to have a man pay for drinks and to get a rock on her finger. Huge misstep on your assessment……. Gotta go. Have a fave day. It really is lovely out!
Man:LOL….. so your worried that Id only want you once, and now worried Ill want you forever?!?!?!?! Tell me when you’re ready to fasten that seatbelt and go for that ride!